This is new. Ok Lyn I see you shaking your head and saying what about wordpress. LOL ok maybe not new. Different yeah thats it. I am going to post about a man in my childhood and my relationship with my mom I have done therapy and this is how I feel. Right or wrong I will respond to comments. Okay on to the story. By the way this post will be removed in ten days . I need to protect my children.
First some history My dad died when I was 8 of lung cancer. My brothers were 6 and 2. The first 8 years of childhood awesome from what I remember of it. Then entered Terry. He was raised in Cleveland Ohio on the streets. Terry moved in with us about a year after my dad had died. Talk about mean he was and still is. He was abusive very abusive. I remember he whipped my brother Ken with an arrow strap from the base of his neck down to his ankles. He kicked my mom so bad in the face that she received more then 50 stiches in her face. Yet my mom would drop the charges or take him back after he served jail time. I remember her getting so drunk that she would beg us kids to go with her and tell him we would be good and not cause any trouble so he would come back. And he would and it would be hell. He always told us we were stupid and no good and would never amount to anything. With my mom backing him up.
I remember going to court to testify against him after one brutal beating and he promised he would get me back. He did. My mom did nothing to protect us that is what makes me angry I its not that she didnt have anywhere to go it was her house. It was she thought more of him then she did us kids. This went on for about 7 more years. When I turned 16 he was moving back in for the upteenth time. I remember I was told not to go to my work that weekend I was out of the house as much as I could possibly be. I went anyways. My rationale was she wasnt a mom when I was younger I cooked cleaned took care of my two brothers then she couldnt start being a mom now. She called where I was and said dont bother coming back I can manage without you. The lady that I worked for and babysat her kids said how would you like to move in here. I did . He moved back in I moved out. We are going to fast forward to 11 years in the future. I am married with a 3 year old son who was not very happy he got a brand new spanking crying never sleeping sister that was attached to her moms breast. Yes I am talking about my daughter Sarah if those that know me or of me.
Sarah was about 2 weeks me and Mike were exhausted me from caring for 2 children and Mike from trying to convince James not to run away it would get better. Finally a rare moment that the kids were sleeping. I laid down only to doze off and 10 minutes later there was a state trooper knocking on my door after my mom leaving several messages on my machine that Terry would be down to see me and my kids I took this as a threat. Mike answered the door and I remember this so clearly he asked if I would come outside and talk with him and I did. He said could you please quit shooting at Mr Braddick, and I said what as in could you please repeat that so I understand it. He says it again and no I didnt hear him wrong.
I told him about the messages that were left and some of the past history and he replied maam you dont know what his intentions are. I told him that Terry was not to be on any property that I lived on social like or not. The trooper tells me that he cant help me with that all he was concerned about was that I stop shooting at him. I told the trooper you can tell Mr.Braddick that if it was me shooting at him I wouldnt miss. The trooper looked at me like I had lost my mind and told me I could not say that.
Usually I am very respectfull of law enforcers. But this guy was pissing me off I dont know if it was the sleep deprived brain or the just the general annoyance of the whole situation but I told him that I did mean it. And added the world would be a better place without Terry in it. I was told if anything happened to him I would be the first person they would look at. I told them that I was not shooting at him I have better things to do with my time. He left annoyed I went back inside annoyed.
My mom has remained friends with him. Its come down to the point that I told my mom that if he comes anywhere near my kids she wont see them anywhere but my house. I refuse to let them know that kind of terror. When I was younger I would find my self standing over his drunk passed out stoned from smoking pot body with a knife thinking about how easy it would be just to kill him and be done with it.
I have done years of therapy it was hard to trust people who said they love me. It was hard to trust guys that I dated. It was hard not to stand up for myself for a long time. But I did I overcame and I can argue with Mike on them rare occasions and not feel afraid. I told Mike (the hubby) that if he was going to hit me he could just keep on going on down the road cause I was not going to have it. Nor would our children live in fear. I dont let him verbally abuse me or the kids either. Not that he ever would.
I cant seem to forgive my mom for this. I cant let go of the fact she did nothing to protect her children. I cant wrap my head around why she let this happen. I cant understand how she can be friends with this guy and help him. I cant let go of the fact that when my dad died she stopped being a mom. The therapist said she was probably depressed when he died. So get yourself better. You have children depending on you. I dont have a good relationship with my mom she is selfish. I dont like selfish people. Well that is all for tonight.
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There are situations in which there is little chance of the desired resolution. In other words, you would like your mom to be a mom and for Terry to be out of your life; it doesn't look like that will happen. He has been present by her wishes for a very long time. You have every right to protect your children from exposure to Terry, or to your mom's lack of protection, for that matter. But I'd consider some therapy to help you face that you will probably never have the mother-daughter relationship that you, like all of us, would want.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure therapy has taught you that you can't change anyone but yourself, so there is no likelihood that your mom will make enough changes to make you comfortable. That is sad, but it is what it is. Continue to put limits for your children's sakes. But be prepared that, as adults, they may (or not) seek out a relationship with her, and you don't want to be antagonistic about it; that would drive a wedge between yourself and the children. I wouldn't be surprised if they might want to know her for a sense of their heritage. It's very normal. And remember that by that time, they will have the values you've given them to help make decisions. Understand, too, that sometimes we are better with out grandchildren than we were with our own children, a sad truth.
Have you considered discussing with the kids why you limit their contact? Perhaps not yet; you need to consider their maturity and ability to understand. And you will need to be factual, not emotional about it. It might help them to accept the whole picture if they understand your wish to protect them from a situation.
You're in a tough situation. I'm sorry that you (or anyone) has to face this kind of thing. I think your therapist was wise to mention that your mom may have been very depressed after your father died. She probably didn't have the least idea of that, as we unfortunately often don't see these things in ourselves. The year following my husband's death I had several periods that I didn't realize how immobilized I was until after it was over. Fortunately, it didn't last long with me, and I wasn't looking for a new relationship. But had I lost my husband at the age your mother did, I don't know how well I would have done. I would probably have been much more susceptible to having a man take care of me. And the cycle would begin, good or bad.
Has your therapist worked with you on forgiveness? I don't mean that it is OK what has happened, but simply forgiving your mom, yourself, and even Terry for what happened so it can be released. It wouldn't change anything *except* it would help you to get the weight off your shoulders. Might help, if you haven't done so.
I hope you find peace. Having the past tethered to you is heavy. Peace, Redfrog. And hugs for health and happiness. :)
Lyn Thank you for the input it is very helpful. I am okay with the kids having a relationship with her now with limits and when they are older without limits. My kids are very observant and pick up on things James wont stay at all. He goes over and mows the lawn but he comes right home. Sarah will stay for a couple days but We are limiting that its easier with school being in. I try to forgive her and Terry its just hard. I was thinking about this last night after I posted and I am going to buy some helium balloons and attach a postcard with this situation on it and let it go. But I am still adamant about him not being in my life or in the kids life. I have to be Thanks Lyn
ReplyDeleteI agree that you need to keep him away from yourself and the kids. I also know it is hard to let old hurts go. I struggle with that, too. But it only hurts you to hang on with negative energy, and I know you know that.
ReplyDeleteDeeprok Chopra was just on the Ellen Show and he was talking about peaceful living, and how criticism, condemnation, etc. is toxic to ourselves, not the ones you hold them against. He quoted Nelson Mandella saying that "holding a grievance is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die." Chopra is trying to recruit people for peaceful living, and he noted that if just one person changes how they relate to others it improves the world; then you multiply that by 10 or 10,000 or 10,000,000 and think of the potential.
As long as you hold those hard feelings, you are hardening yourself, only yourself. And here is another way of looking at the situation. There is a popular concept, taken from The Secret, but being adopted by many other movements. It says that *thoughts become things*. This means that if you are thinking negative thoughts, they will manifest as negative realities. So in the converse, if you release the negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones, that is what will come to be in your life. Similar to karma.
May I suggest that along with releasing the situation as you describe, you start a new plan. Think of something that is very pleasant and positive, something that makes you smile and feel good. Now, every time the ugly past comes up to taunt you, shove it aside, close your eyes and concentrate on the pleasant one until your body relaxes and your mind is easy as you smile. In a short time you will find it becomes almost automatic and you don't have to close your eyes, etc. It will just replace the vile memories. And it will keep you from getting yourself into a tangle.
Try it. See how it works. :)
I will
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