Today

Today is a hard day I dont know why but it seems like every little thing sets me off and the tears come. I am cooking a roast with potatoes carrots and onions and mom always cooked that or came out. Or maybe its cause we seen the grave yesterday maybe that made it more permanent in my mind.

I am used to seeing gravestones my dad died when I was 8 and we had family that lived across from where he is buried at and me and my brothers would spend hours at the cemetary just talking to him. But I cant seem to do this with mom is it cause the loss is so recent or is it cause I am older? I dont know. I hope tomorrow will be better

Bittersweet day

Lunch was a huge success my mom loved the steak marinade. Mikes dad came out also. My brother didnt come but it was okay. Several times I found myself wanting to ask dad where mom was my brain knows where she is just cant fathom it I guess.

Later we had to run into walmart and we didnt know where moms grave is so we followed dad and he showed us . Mike was really close this morning but didnt walk far enough. We bought J a new bike again his other one broke no fault of his it got fixed and then broke again so we just said the heck with it and bought a better one.

I also bought a pair of walking shoes Nike walking shoes 40 dollars its been a long time since I have spent that much money on myself. I was telling a friend I cant believe I did that but I need a good pair of shoes that offer a lot of support especially when I get fitted for the brace if they ever call with an appt. ( Giving them till Wendsday then finding a new place) they will have had 2 weeks. Grrr

Hope everyone had a good day

Outside blogging

It is a beautiful day outside a lovely 70 degree no rain in sight day so I had miss S bring out the laptop and the beagle and we are sitting at the patio blogging well I am sitting at the table Buford is under the table doing his favorite activity which is sleeping.

Tomorrow my mom and brothers and Mikes dad are coming for lunch its a late mothers day present to my mom since we were so busy dealing with other things on mothers day.

S planted pumpkins and they are already up above ground now the thing is to wait and see if they grow actual pumpkins. Only 3 more days of school left then my hatered for Sponge bob begins. Well that is all for now hope everyone is enjoying the day.

Rainy day and a Poem

I was able to get out and weed the bleeding heart before the rain started it has been raining and thundering almost all afternoon and some places has started to flood on the scanner they said we have received almost 3 inches with more coming. As I was putting some papers away I found the insert the funeral home prints about your loved one and I thought I would share the poem that was on moms it has helped a little.

Miss Me- But Let Me Go

When I come to the end of the road,
and the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?
Miss me a little - but not too
long
and not with your head bowed low,
Remember the love that we onced shared
Miss me -but let me go
For this journey that we all must take
and each must go alone,
It's all part of the masters plan
a step on the road home.
When you are lonely and sick of heart
go to friends we know,
and bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
Miss me- but let me go

The auther is unknown but is such a good poem

Media is driving me crazy

All those sick of hearing about Jon and Kate please raise your hand. I dont watch the show I have seen clips of it and I dont think it would be something that I would want to be watching. Its hard enough having two people in a marriage when you invite the whole world in it there is way to many people involved and that is not good. I hope they work things out or divorce for the kids sake.

My next subject California and their stupid stupid stupid stupid decision to ban same sex marriages. S said to me last night that they should be allowed to marry who are they hurting my friend Caroline had a post on her blog that pretty much sums it up. I have said it before and I will say it again if you want to protect the sanity of marriage outlaw divorce not outlaw people who love each other that want the same thing us hetrosexuals take for granted. S wants to write to President Obama again she wrote the first time in protest of gun control. My 12 year old will be the first in the Rice history to have the secret service show up for stalking lol.

Have a good day all

Weekend activities

Here is a recount of the holiday weekend.

Sunday we headed to Mikes brothers house for a cookout and games lots of food and good company not to much family drama except we all missed mom but everyone had a good time and the food was so yummy. We didnt get home till almost 1 a.m which is kind of late for us no one wanted to stop talking.

Monday we headed over to my bestests friend in the whole wide world we have been friends since the 5th grade I spent a summer in Florida with her when I was 14 it was so fun. She is my therapist I can tell her anything and it stays with her and she tells it like it is. Great food again and they had the pool open ( a little chilly for the adults but kids had a ball). Tonja (her name) lost her first husband to a auto accident involving drunk driving in 1997 she was left to raise 3 young kids on her own and she has done an amazing job. While she was washing dishes she asked how I was doing with loosing Mom and I told her that its hard and I find tears sneaking up on me all the time. She put her arms around me and gave me a hug and said something that made me stop and think.

Be thankful you had that person in your life remember her let the tears flow that means you loved her and she returned that love and there is nothing in the world that beats that kind of love. She is right so I wont beat myself up about crying and I will let the tears come till there are no more tears.

I hope everyone had a great weekend

Alive

I am alive its been a busy weekend details tomorrow I promise to stuffed and tired right now.

Activities

Today I was up off the loveseat and cleaned up the kitchen a little bit still a lot to do I put the kids to work scrubbing cupboards. Mike made a yummy anipasta salad and I need to make a strawberry pretzel salad for tomorrows picnic.

I am excited and sad about tomorrow it will be nice to get out of the house and be with family again but will be sad without mom. She always loved a good party.

Monday we are to go over to my friends house for a picnic also we have been friends since the 5th grade she is an amazing friend. Have a great rest of weekend

Two drs visits

First no surgery needed on the foot no damage done from not using the walker that week while mom was sick and I dont need to use it now. I still have to use the air cast boot till I get fitted and receive a brace that goes into the shoe. The brace will be needed for at least 3 months but he said the muscles probably arent going to heal right so it may be a lifetiime thing.

Second to my regular doctor who figured out that the vicadin mixed with the coozar was making me dizzy blood pressure was still a little up 142/88 he said that it could be from the stress and grieving I gave him a thank you card and he gave me a hug and said he was so sorry for our loss. He will reevulate the bp in 2 months and then he asked how the foot was coming along. He suggested a bone denisity scan.

That is scheduled for June 12 btw no more vicadin the orthapedic dr switched it on my request instead gave me tramadol which is a little more coozar friendly and a non narcotic. So it was a good day.

We stopped and visited with Mikes Dad it was weird not having mom pop out but it was a good visit

Dreams

Today is a difficult day for me. It started at 5 getting S up and ready for a field trip and it was fine I laid down about 10 and had a dream. The dream was mom was not dead this had all been a bad dream and we had a nice talk.



We had to have the funeral to make people think she was dead but continued life support she told me that she heard all the things that we told her in the hospital and she was so proud of how we took care of her.

It was nice having that time to spend with her again but when I woke up I was so disappointed it was a dream but then I started to think about it I shouldnt be disappointed in a way I should be happy that she came to me in my dreams.

As I was going through papers accumulated on the loveseat I found the birthday card she gave me and in april.

She had written that she and dad hoped I had a great day and she was glad I was her daughter. Well I am glad she was my mom. She taught me so much what a moms love felt like and how we treat people that we love.

Something that my own mom did not teach me ( I dont mean to be negative about that). This was a hard post with having to stop several times to wipe the tears but I am glad its done.

Bathing suits

S was invited to go to an indoor waterpark by her best friend in the whole wide world (her words not mine) and she is going to summer camp where swimming will be available.

Remember she is 12 and I have a problem with kids dressing like Britney Spears. we found a couple that was suitable and a couple that was not suitable we paid 12 dollars its a two piece but the top is almost a full top.

But I couldnt understand why bathing suits with very little fabric was like 30 dollars that I would not let my daughter wear.

An update the world is not spinning today which makes me happy

My world keeps spinning

My world keeps spinning literaly as inI am not adjusting well to the blood pressure medicine. Oh thats right yall dont know about the new blood pressure medicine.

Let me introduce yall to my friend Coozar me and coozar had a relationship prior to me blogging and I like it cause its shown to save muscle from deterating. But our relationship ended when they discovered the high blood pressure was caused from the misbehaved uterus stressing my body out.

I was reintroduced to it when I found myself in the Er with a terrible migraine from the stress of mom being on life support and not eating right and not sleeping and my blood pressure shot up to 169/150. I tried to explain to the doctor that my body doesnt respond well to pain so if we could get rid of the migraine then maybe the bp would behave he said no thats not how it works you need a script.

So they treated the migraine and guess what the bp dropped back to normal. Fast forward to Wendsday the next day after the er visit my drs office called before we headed into the hospital and wanted me to come out so I did.

Bp was back up and he wanted to treat it so I said fine. But I am so dizzy now dizzy and a normal person may not matter but dizzy and me concerns me I have hard enough time walking without my world spinning and I dont want anymore broken bones my hope is either it will get reduced or the blood pressure is low and wont need it. Keep your fingers crossed.

New addiction

Not that I have enough addictions I added one more to my list. My friend Caroline (and I promise I will find a game for you) has been bragging about farm town on facebook then she sent me a lemon tree.

So now I have a farm hopefully it will look better then my plants. Thank you Caroline.

Orthadonist update

I have to laugh at Ms S somedays her friend started a group called 4 eyed train track club for all those not familiar with this its a club for kids with glasses and braces.

Certain topics and guest speakers include color cordinating brace colors for holidays and clothes S is sporting bright pink on top and screaming pink and orange on the bottom to match the new bathing suit we bought her ( more on swimsuits another day). Other topics is what to eat when they tighten wires or make you wear bands.

S was sad the other day when the orthadonist said wow you responded really fast in 6 weeks they will start treatment to end treatment almost a year ahead of schedule. She said she will be kicked out of the 4 eyed train track club. I tried to point out this was a good thing but she didnt buy it.

And no bands during the day just at night for bedtime. Yaaaaaay

Teens and why I may not survive them

S and I had a sort of power struggle and normally it wouldnt have been but I felt this was important and quite frankly she has been acting like me and her dads directions dont matter and she can do what she wants to do.

Todays lesson was spelling I see yall rolling eyes but again it was the principal of her telling us she wasnt doing and we couldnt do anything to make her. Which makes it sound like a challenge and what parent loves to be challenged by their 12 year old princess.

Maybe that is the problem is she thinks she is a princess. Telling her that she is a princess may be the problem but ones name means princess and queen and she is the only girl its kind of hard not to.

I think I will go buy hair coloring now cause I am going to need it.

What to say

I know its hard to say anything to comfort a person who has lost a loved love my general response is I dont know what to say but your in my thoughts and prayers.

I was talking with a person last night and I think this is one of the terriblest things to say.

"Well yall removed her from life support yeah she was going to die so quit crying and face up to it".

Wow thank you for the support yes we knew she was going to go does that make it any easier no it doesnt. I dont think it would be easier if she would have been sick for years. But when Grandma Rice died in late Oct it was different she was 94 and everyone said what a great life she led or it was her time.

But no one is saying that about Mom is it cause she was only 64 and way to young or is it cause she got so sick so fast. Personally I dont buy the so sick so fast theory.

What about people her age that have had fatal heart attacks or a car accidents? Or maybe it shouldnt be different as they were both loved and are missed.

I also think that people (although are not saying it) think that we wanted her to die because the decision to remove life support was made. I think we made the right decision in that respect and would support Mike and his dad and brothers all over again.

Then there is the decision of the autopsy that they chose not to do I was telling Mike last night I think its easier not knowing for sure if she had a stroke or not. That way the decision of removing life support was the right call and even with time she would have not gotten better. Her body was starting to heal from the panacritis she just wasnt there everything her body did was reflex.

Thank you for listening to me ramble.

Tired

I know that its only been a week tomorrow since she passed. I also know that I am tired of typing I am sad and yall are probably tired of reading I am sad so I thought I would share a funny story.

We always thought dad would go first and he would be murdered we always thought he would be thrown over the balacony of where they live. This is why

About 7 years ago dad retired from his shop about 6 1/2 years he decided that me might want to find a job to prevent a murder his. Well he found one at giant eagle which put the idea in his brain that they needed a second car cause mom was still working.

Well they looked and couldnt find anything so it was put on the backburner and they were to meet us to go fishing.

Mike spotted mom walking and boy was she mad like 3 shades of red and thunderclouds over her head mad. Mike turned to me and said I wonder what dad did now.

After he got mom to stop cussing which she never did he got to the bottom of it.

Seems like dad finaced a truck without telling her or putting her name on the truck. I dont think I have ever seen her so mad she told dad to get a fork and knife and salt and pepper cause he was going to be eating the truck.

A couple years later and dad was allowed to live Karen our sister in law was looking for a dog and her and Mom found free jack russel puppies.

Karen adopted two and Mom adopted one that was her truck and she named him Jack. Dad was not happy but mom told him he got his truck she was keeping the dog. Jack in the obit was listed as Jack Russel Rice after Mikes youngest brother. Nothing saying he is a dog People were talking.

That is the way mom would have wanted it.

Mikes shop

Sunday Mike called his boss and told him that mom had passed and Gene took the info and expressed his condolences.

Monday his human resource person called and asked for the info again we thought they were just checking and verifying that she did actually die.

When we got to the funeral home there was a great big basket of flowers from Mikes shop I was shocked. Last night Mike went back to work and they had a card with 70 dollars from his shift we were wondering where we would get money for gas next week as he only worked one day while mom was on life support.

Today in the mail was a sympathy card from the whole shop with a 50 dollar gift card for walmart.

The other brothers employers did nothing and Mikes human resource person apologized for not makig it to the calling hours.

As we didnt like the layoffs they took care of Mike during that time made sure they signed up as a employer of displaced workers that made Mike eligible for training.

He likes where he works and I do to.

numbness follow up

The other day I blogged about being numb and how I didnt like numbness and Lyn pointed out that numbness was good cause I would be miserable otherwise.

Ms. Lyn is a wise person and I can say I miss numb I am not going to speak for other people but when there was stuff to be done we did it to get dad through this he was our main concern.

Today I cant wrap my head around that I wont ever talk to her again or see her lovely smiling face. This makes me want to cry and I have cried I cried in the shower.

Mike is going back to work tonight he needs to keep busy and he said we need to get back to normal I told him I dont think things will ever get back to normal he agreed we now have a new normal and it sucks.

I always found it weird that in history we refer to B.C and A.d (Before Christ) and (After death). I competly get it now things in this time and I hope it goes away will be considered after moms death. She made plans to attend my nieces 6th grade graduation and we would get dad and they would switch at 12th grade graduation.

Now that event as happy as it will be will just be a little sadder cause we all understand the A.d.

Talking to my friend today understands this and she said welcome to the club its a stinky club with an exclusive membership.

When my dad died I was all of 8 years old and didnt understand the whole grieving and missing someone so bad that your heart ached concept. I have lost a brother and several aunts and uncles but this loss hurts the most.

Thank you for listening to me ramble.

We are..............

The numbness is going away I am realizing this is not a bad dream she is really gone. But I so wish it was a bad dream. She will be missed she never treated me like a daughter in law but as a daughter.

She told me if it didnt work out with Mike I could come live with them and Mike could fend for himself. I was closer to her then my own mother.

I am torn I am glad the funeral is done with but I cant handle the idea of not ever seeing her again till I get to heaven. Her funeral was wonderful a packed house. Mikes shop sent a huge basket of flowers and his human resource manager apologized for not making it to the funeral home.

My mom did make an apperance which made me feel a tad bit better. Mikes grandma and one aunt snubbed dad and the boys but that is their problem we followed Moms wishes for that we have no regrets.

Tomorrow the kids are going back to school for being out almost 2 weeks. I am glad they got the time to say goodbye to their grammy. I want to thank you all for the thoughts and prayers. Please continue praying that our hearts heal and some of the sadness goes away. Life will get back to normal in the next weeks and months.

One more statement that surprised me. I missed the loveseat my foot is swollen and not ready for weightbearing and I may just be in trouble but I would do it all over again to have the time to spend with her.

Exhausted

Numb and exhausted I am looking forward and dreading tomorrow all in one feeling. The preacher asked if we had anything we wanted read and I said yes.

The poem is do not stand at my grave and cry for I did not die I do not sleep if yall want it let me know and I will post it tomorrow or wendsday.

that is all for now please pray for peace tomorrow

Numb

People ask how we are and honestly I dont know how we are we are numb. I hate being numb it implies we dont feel anything but its like we are in a bad dream and are trying to wake up and then we realize we are awake.

Talking to my mom today I was explaining this to her and she said well you did pray that she would go yes mom I did thank you for that reminder. I am sure she didnt mean it the way it came out on the other hand I dont know.

Us girls went and picked out her outfit and took it to the funeral home no one should have to do this on Mothers day.

I struggle to find acceptance in this yet I know she is in a better place singing with the angels out of a body that was sick she has peace I hope peace comes here.

I dont know how not to cry over this. I dont know how my father in law is going to be.

I am thankful and beg anyone who is reading this to have a living will to be sure your family knows your wishes it made Mike and his brothers and Dads decision easy.

I am going to put a thank you card in her casket she taught me how to be a daughter in law, wife, mother, a better person for that I owe her my thanks.

I am glad this last week we were able to spend it with her making sure she was kept comfortable. I am glad that my children got to experience compassion and that she died with dignity .

The next couple days will be hard but some how someway the pain and numbness will be replaced with happiness and calmness. Pray that comes soon.

Singing with the angels

Between 8:30 and 8:45 me and Mike woke up out of a sound sleep and then we heard the cell phone ring. Mom came back and reclaimed her body and is up in heaven singing with the angels.

She will be missed terribly. We are so relieved she is not suffering or is in pain and has found her peace. Thank you all for your prayers.

Too tired to think of a title

In the last 48 hours me and Mike has maybe had a total of 6 hours sleep. My friends that is not a lot of sleep I am tired and cranky and sad and just a whole mess of emotions.

My mom in law the tough old bird(typed with love) is stubborn and still hanging on they with our assistance are keeping her comfortable.

There is all kinds of drama that we could do without going on some of it stupid some of it understandable but sad and stupid at the same time. Moms mom is upset and is pushing for a feeding tube and all that the boys and Mikes dad have said no we tried to explain that her living will did not want that.

So we are labeled as murderers and uncaring but that is okay they are big and can take it but if they keep demanding this from the dr and nurses at least Mikes aunt will be banned.

My mom on the other hand is on my last nerve (which is very short) she wants her house cleaned and is demanding that I let my children come over so they can clean her house.

Yes mom their grammy is going to join God anyday now and the kids want to go over to your house and clean. My brother told her that me and Mike have enough on our plates to deal with then driving and picking up kids.

My mom also thinks its wrong for the kids to be at the hospital they understand grammy is dying and she left her body Sunday and they are okay with it. I would like to think that its a comfort to have the kids there.

Thank you for all the prayers and well wishes and please continue to pray that she will go join God.

Update on Mom in law

Mike and his brothers and their dad decided last night around 5 oclock to end moms life support. Its 9 40 am as I am typing this going to grab a quick shower and head back into the hospital.

Its been 24 hours plus since I have had sleep and we wont talk about the foot.
But its worth it to make sure she is comfortable in her last hours. Please pray for us and for her to pass peacefully.

Decisions

Today we cried and cried. Tomorrow decisions will be made. We are at the critical 72 hour period. She opens her eyes but does not focus any response she has is reflex.

Kidneys are still not flitering. I dont know what I am what them to decide I want her to die with dignity if that is Gods will, but I want her to have all the time in the world to heal.

She will be missed this is for sure.

cautiously Optamestic

Mike and J had a drs appt this morning we all have the same family dr Mike asked him how mom was and he said a little better but still very sick.

She made a little urine not enough but this is postive the kidneys still are not filtering they are going to give her till tomorrow night then start dylasis. She is maintaining her blood pressure on her own and she made poo twice.

She is still unresponsive most of the time but once in awhile she will open her eyes and look at you.

She does have fluid and mucus in her lungs she is still not breathing on her own enough for them to try to wane her off the breathing machine. Although her heartrate is down from yesterday which is good.

They did an eeg today and will do another ct scan tomorrow. We are hopefull but understand this can go either way. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Its not good

We went to bed around 3 am my phone started ringing at 730 my mom in law took a dramatic turn for the worse.

She climbed out of bed and immediatly went into cardiac and respitory arrest. Her kidneys are shutting down not what we wanted. So not what we wanted.

The boys and dad decided to let them do dylasis for two days and see where we are. I hope and pray she is better but it looks bad her blood pressure is low and she is so cold. I dont know what I will do if we loose her.

My mother in law

My phone started ringing at 830 this morning its never good when it rings that early. It wasnt good this morning either I knew yesterday that my mom in law was not feeling well but my father in law said its nothing serious probably food poisoning.

Didnt think anymore about it till this morning when my sister in law called and said mom was in the hospital she called again at 10 30 and said nothing had changed.

In the meantime I am upset with my mom and she is upset with me and S. I told my mom that I didnt really want to deal wiht her temper tantrum (in hindsight no matter how old you are you probably shouldnt tell ones mom that). I got showered came downstairs and told Mike we should probably go see what was going on with his mom.


We took S with us and its a good thing we did Mike had to come back and get J. My dear wonderful sweet mom in law is in ICU with diabetic acidosis and severe pacreatitis they cant get her blood sugars down at all. I am asking for a favor
lurkers and my reg commenters please pray for her and me.

I am closer to her then my own mom. As we were all sitting in the ICU waiting room my brother in law commented that everyone was there and I said why not mom has always been there for us. All the grandkids and kids and wives since there are no girls in the family I can say wives.

My mom in law didnt call us daughter in laws she called us her daughters and treated us as such.

Boots and proof I am not crazy

Boots did it again and this time I have pictures.

I have a question for my old readers at wordpress do yall remember the password. Tomorrow I am going to a password post.

Buford

Another jar of peanut butter fell victim to Pepper yesterday. I keep telling the children that live in this house to put it over by the breadmachine but I might as well talk to the wall for as much good as it does.

Apperently Pepper had help in the peanut butter cape Mr. Buford was so sick yesterday and everytime he threw up it smelled like peanut butter and he threw up everywhere. Couldnt even keep pepto down.

I was really worried last night thinking his stomach had twisted but he pooped so that relived my mind a little also ruled out an obstruction. I think he ate too much peanutbutter.

Today he is much better has kept a milk bone and some water down hasnt really tried to eat any food yet. I was so worried last night about him he snapped at the kittens and that is not him.

Its rainy and icky here I think we are going to take S out for supper J is at a freshman retreat.